I had a definite sense of wobbliness when I experienced release in my legs for the first time - it felt like I was standing with a great deal of freedom, but also as if falling was just a heartbeat away. As if, every instant, I was choosing balance instead of falling. It was a strange, heady feeling; perhaps because I had never imagined before that I had any options in the matter of standing.
We see that same choice being exercised when we watch toddlers take their first tottering steps. It's a delightful sight, but if we can watch with awareness, it's also a very educative one. We realise that the choice has never gone away - we are still making it every instant that we stand or walk. The only difference is that we're no longer aware that we're doing so. Once we had worked out the mechanics of balance we turned our attention to other things - there were so many things we needed to learn in order to function in the world!
But we paid - and are still paying - a price for our lack of awareness. We lost the sense of connection within ourselves, and with it, we also lost the ability to tell when we were doing things wrong, in a way that would damage us.
If now we want to regain that first delightful feeling of ease, of balance and grace, we have to work at it. We have to recapture it consciously, and practice it as a skill is practised, so that over time, it becomes more and more natural for us to use ourselves well rather than badly.
At any point, if we start falling back into the old unhelpful ways of using ourselves, we are able to tell; and we then have a choice. Continue with the bad use, or stop, and let ourselves release into good use again.
We might still, for our own reasons, choose to go with the bad use - but at least we will know we are doing it.
