The Liberating Wobble

It's been my experience, and that of several of my students, that when something frees up, there is actually a sense of uncertainty, of being off balance. This can be a very physical sensation when the release is in the weight bearing joints like the hips, knees and ankles, but it can also be a sudden disorientation in the mind.

I had a definite sense of wobbliness when I experienced release in my legs for the first time - it felt like I was standing with a great deal of freedom, but also as if falling was just a heartbeat away. As if, every instant, I was choosing balance instead of falling. It was a strange, heady feeling; perhaps because I had never imagined before that I had any options in the matter of standing.

We see that same choice being exercised when we watch toddlers take their first tottering steps. It's a delightful sight, but if we can watch with awareness, it's also a very educative one. We realise that the choice has never gone away - we are still making it every instant that we stand or walk. The only difference is that we're no longer aware that we're doing so. Once we had worked out the mechanics of balance we turned our attention to other things - there were so many things we needed to learn in order to function in the world!

But we paid - and are still paying - a price for our lack of awareness. We lost the sense of connection within ourselves, and with it, we also lost the ability to tell when we were doing things wrong, in a way that would damage us.

If now we want to regain that first delightful feeling of ease, of balance and grace, we have to work at it. We have to recapture it consciously, and practice it as a skill is practised, so that over time, it becomes more and more natural for us to use ourselves well rather than badly.

At any point, if we start falling back into the old unhelpful ways of using ourselves, we are able to tell; and we then have a choice. Continue with the bad use, or stop, and let ourselves release into good use again.

We might still, for our own reasons, choose to go with the bad use - but at least we will know we are doing it.

Back from Mumbai

I thought I would get the time to post at least a couple of blogs - unfortunately I couldn't.
It was a good trip - I got to work with people who were really motivated to learn, who asked questions and expressed their doubts and confusions. That challenged me to really think so I could satisfy them with my answers. I hope I did. Also got some contacts which hopefully will work out in the future. Some carefully directed action, judiciously laced with inhibition, seems to be called for!
On my return, I got a call from an old pupil who wanted to come in for a lesson -
I'm constantly thinking about this, he said, and I'm feeling that everything I do is wrong.
I'm thrilled! I said, Carry right on directing, you're right on track!
I don't think he's forgotten what he's learnt, or suddenly, inexplicably, lapsed. I think it's just that he's coming up against some use patterns that he's really comfortable with, and his system doesn't want to let go.
I remember walking along the sea front in Brighton, some weeks into my course, miserably feeling that I had forgotten how to walk, that everyone was looking at me in astonishment at my strange, awkward way of walking. I really,truly felt that I didn't know how to lift my legs and move them so as to take a step. Only the realisation that I did have to get home somehow made me continue. And all the time, of course, I could also see that actually no one was looking at me at all; everyone was happily engrossed in their own business - or pleasure. A very weird feeling.
Absolutely convinced of the complete wrongness of my being and doing, and at the same time, realising that I looked as normal as anyone else.
Of course, I never for a minute considered throwing it all up and going home. I'd decided even before I got to Brighton that I was going to learn this, come what may.
But if I had wanted to give it all up, I think the other interludes would have persuaded me otherwise. The sudden, unexpected moments of walking - floating - along the street, feeling everything working smoothly, with an intelligence and harmony of its own. I didn't have to do anything - it was all doing itself, and life didn't have a greater joy than this.
Of course, after a few moments, I tried to grab it and hold on to it, at which it immediately vanished. But I'd had the experience, and seen what was possible. That alone would have kept me going, if I'd had any thought of giving up.