There really was no apparent cause for it at that point - I was thoroughly enjoying my training, I'd got interesting work to do that paid for all my living expenses, I'd made wonderful new friends... in short, I couldn't wait to leap out of bed and into my day every morning - no matter what the weather - and that, for the UK, is saying quite a bit!
But then, through all of this, there was also a layer of tension at a very deep level; it surfaced, I think, simply because other, more superficial tensions began to drop away; that was great, because I realised that it was possible to live with a simple and uncomplicated pleasure -if only I could get rid of this clutching in the gut!
That was when I began to get a dim idea of just how much unnecessary fear we cart around. I thought around to all the people I knew, friends, relatives, acquaintances... anyone I could think of, and they were all living with this deep and diffuse apprehension that wouldn't let them enjoy their lives.
All of that terror, and where was it being held? Of course in the body! In the neck, the shoulders, the hips, the guts, in deep insidious knots that makes sure you are nicely tightening and shrinking. As I discovered, it wouldn't go away just because I was asking it to - and this was the point where I really felt I'd hit a wall.
This was the baseline from where I was living - under all the pleasure, pain, excitement, sorrow and all the myriad emotions that make up our daily lives, there was this layer of nameless dread; it surfaced as my habits began to change, and was just there -that knot in the gut, a solidly physical presence that kept me from living life as completely as I wanted.
But the real revelation for me was not this - it was the fact that this was the way I'd been living all along - this fear filled, apprehensive quality defined my life, and I hadn't even known it!
Then, of course, I can't help thinking -
What else do I not know?
5 comments:
Padmini, Spot on! You know being through AT has helped me identify situations that cause this grip. Though I'm not done getting out of these without the pain in the neck, at least I realize that this happens to me and I cannot explain why. Typical stuff that gets me into knots - computer work, a tussle and fear of deadlines!
Hi Arun,
Yes, I remember very well your telling me that you could get a sense of tension creeping up on you and that leading up to the increase in the pain.
I think we're touching very deeply held tensions, perhaps going back into our earliest years. That would be the time when our fundamental attitudes to life get set - without our knowledge.
I think I will devote another post to this - it's so fascinating, scary but with immense possibilities!
hahhaha
Excellent.
like chasing your own tail as it were.
I found the same thing when I started practicing yoga and reiki et al.
There is so much more than what we're aware of or that we're aware of only some things.
I remember reading (or perhaps hearing) that we go through life unaware that we are carrying a bag full of manure on our backs and wonder all the time why life stinks so much.
Mmm yes ...the unawareness is the thing. If we could see what we're really holding on to, perhaps it would be easier to let it go - or not? The weight of a familiar burden may be more comforting than the dizzying lightness that results when we drop it.
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